Aaronisms

May 12, 2025

Arob: At least it was circumcised. I appreciated that.

April 19, 2025

Arob: Flaccid to cum in 7 seconds flat. There was a dick Olympics and I won gold. That's why there's a stopwatch with 7 seconds on it.

March 4, 2025

Arob: Wait, you guys don't shave your dick hole?

February 20, 2025

Arob: Fuck him with a spoon in the ass

January 9, 2025

Arob: Well, you know what they say: It's a small group of idiots leading the blind.

December 17, 2024

Arob: 7 = 10 in universe seven.

November 5, 2024

Arob: You just breathe them in and then you go boom boom boom.

October 13, 2024

Arob: Again, I am not P. Diddy. I'll say it to a judge.

September 10, 2024

Arob: Ball care is self care.

August 31, 2024

Arob: Why, because there was sexual assault against an onion? Come on! 

August 31, 2024

Arob: I finger banged the shit out of that. 

June 13, 2024

Arob: I am in a galactic odyssey right now. These shrooms are strong... I'm trying tho. 

March 8, 2024

Arob: I swear, if they're out of Fleshlights, I'm gonna be really pissed.

March 3, 2024

Talking about Dune 2:

Arob: It has Spiderman's girlfriend in it. And the curly-haired guy... Mr. Champagne.

October 28, 2023

Arob: Usually I'm wrong by default. That's what happened with the SATs.

September 23, 2023

Arob: Well you know what they say about Maine. There's oxygen everywhere .

September 22, 2023

Arob: We got them sideways trees. We got Big Yellow in the sky... No caribou fucking up to the car. We're not in Pennsylvania anymore, Dorothy! 

September 22, 2023

Arob: Those pictures of the field were beautiful. I'm glad I pissed on that graffiti rock.

September 22, 2023

Arob: I have Japan on my ass!

September 22, 2023

Arob: You know what they say. You can't start the day until you get your semen out.

September 21, 2023

Arob: It's not microcasming.

Markoff: That's not a word.

Arob: It is in another country.

September 10, 2023

Arob: *Takes a sip of espresso*

Had I known the shot would be like God's diarrhea...

September 9, 2023

Arob: Hey at least we all took shits. So we're all ready to go.

September 9, 2023

Arob: What if I have to wipe and I'm part of a difficult conversation?

September 9, 2023

Completely randomly:

Arob: Does your nipple ever bleed?

September 4, 2023

Arob: Guys... We should be doing ball keggles [sic] to make sure our balls don't sag

Yeah we're supposed to pull the balls down and hold our pee. Three sets of ten

August 27, 2023

Staub: Have you seen Frasier?

Arob: Oh yeah, Frasier! That's about a gay guy in New York.

August 26, 2023

Arob: I can listen while I'm blind. I'm like Hellen Keller's brother.

August 26, 2023

Arob: That's Carmen Sandiego. By the way, I never found that bitch.

August 3, 2023

Arob: I was in the b hole huh? Kinda like a k-hole

May 11, 2023

Arob: *Reads this TIFU post*

The brother probably was on his way to see Korn at bonaroo 2023 😂😂😂

April 15, 2023

Arob: Howdy doo!

Staub: Howdy doo?

Arob: What? It's a classic American greeting!

April 15, 2023

Arob: Cleveland Steamer? My family is from Cleveland and they don't have seafood.

April 15, 2023

Arob: *Orders a cheese plate from a restaurant*

I got fromage, whatever that is.

April 15, 2023

Diane: You can remain anonymous while selling nudes. A lot of people do that.

Arob: I don't have the feet for that.

April 15, 2023

Arob: Jimmy Fallon doesn't have nipples like mine... I'm going to go on Jimmy Fallon and have a nipple measuring contest.

April 15, 2023

Seth: *Wearing an inflatable crown*

Arob: Seth, you are the burger king.

April 15, 2023

Arob: Mars is a lie. Do you want to lose your eyes?

April 15, 2023

Arob: *Taking a picture of Seth*

Wait, do that tongue thing again.

April 15, 2023

Arob: I'm left-handed in real life.

April 14, 2023

Arob: I'm their [Seth's & Staub's] boyfriends too. But I'm not on the bottom.

March 26, 2023

Arob: Are babies born with nipples?

March 16, 2023

Arob: Yo, can we get a double chocolate fudge cloudy bag?

March 8, 2023

"What does it mean to be deaf?

Arob: Well, it depends on how you spell it.

March 5, 2023

Arob: Why do the jerseys look orangeish?

"Is it the sunglasses?"

Arob: Oh yeah! Don't worry guys, my eyes are healthy!

March 4, 2023

Arob: *Tries on Markoff's glasses*

Markoff, is this what your eyeballs work like?

January 14, 2023

Watching Jurassic World:

Arob: What the hell is this Free Willy with dinosaurs shit? Oh there's Star Lord! 

...

Good job sweating, Chris Pratt.

...

Is this a dinosaur petting zoo? That can't be a good idea. That dinosaur looks so angry... I hope they have good health insurance coverage for these employees. 

January 1, 2023

Arob: I like brick buildings man, we learned a lot from the three little pigs. You don't want a straw house...

December 19, 2022

Watching Family Feud:

Arob: Yay! Jumping, clapping!

December 19, 2022

Watching America Says: "A good burglar always wears gloves"

Arob: A good burglar would have burned his fingertips off first.

December 11, 2022

Arob: What's the Gluck Gluck 9000?

October 29, 2022

Talking about the banana story:

Arob: Guys... fruitporn.com

October 29, 2022

*Billie Eilish song playing*

Arob: Is this Bailey Eilish?

Suni: Arob is on a whole other level.

Arob: Level who?

October 29, 2022

Talking about the "sponge years" Aaronism (October 22, 2022)

Arob: Sponge years run on a completely different math.

October 22, 2022

Talking about his dinner at Seth and Diane's wedding:

Arob: It came with this sweet mashed stuff.

Seth: You mean mashed sweet potatoes?

October 22, 2022

Giving Cory a piggyback ride:

Arob: Your ass is not in the same place it used to be.

October 22, 2022

Arob: What the fuck, SpongeBob is 50?! Oh never mind, that's in sponge years.

October 21, 2022

Arob: It's not my fault there's all this mahogany here!

October 21, 2022

Arob: Dude you are fucking hit it.

October 21, 2022

Staub: Do it, you won't. No balls.
Arob: I've got them right here. They've dropped, it's fine.

October 21, 2022

Talking about previous relationships:
Arob: I had a 5-footer before.

October 17, 2022

*Ambulance drives by*
Arob: Somebody had heartburn and is in that ambulance.

October 17, 2022

Talking about his date being the same height as him and not having to bend down to hug her:

Arob: I could smell her hair, it was weird.

September 24, 2022

Talking about a friend going to Napa, California:

Arob: Yep, they're going to cabbage.

August 21, 2022

Seth: The strippers are on their way.

Arob: I hope they don't come because I'll be farting the whole time.

August 20, 2022

Jason: *farts*

Arob: God damn, that ass.

August 19, 2022

Arob: I can't do that, I have a jaw problem from the last time. The banana was too ripe last time.

August 19, 2022

Completely out of the blue, no context:

Arob: Yeah, I should have fucked that girl on prom night.

August 19, 2022

Arob: They would break me like a grilled cheese.

August 19, 2022

Recommending hiccup remedies:

Arob: I was always told to hold my breath until I pass out.

August 18, 2022

Arob: Alexa, what's my THC level?

August 18, 2022

Asking about mushroom chocolates:

Arob: Will I instantaneously start shitting myself?

August 18, 2022

Arob: That burger from Dick's had too much dick in it.

August 13, 2022

Arob: *Shows his nipple in a restaurant*
Shit, now I've broken the law!

August 13, 2022

Jason: A stripper is going to put a banana inside your b-hole.

Arob: It's too tight for that!

August 13, 2022

Arob: Yeah yeah, just the tip. That's what they all want - just the tip.

August 13, 2022

Arob: It's a miracle my dick works anymore.

August 13, 2022

Arob: I shared the Aaronisms site with my cousins, and again, the lesbians were not happy.

August 13, 2022

Arob: I got  creamed and the lesbians ripped me to shreds.

July 13, 2022

Talking about space travel:

Arob: There's enough space for each human to be a millionaire and be happy and safe in space.

Markoff: All we need is to break the laws of physics and develop FTL travel.

Arob: No need to break them, just add new ones.

July 1, 2022

Talking about his hotel in Denver:

Arob: I swear I was ten thousand square feet up in the air!

April 22, 2022

Talking about getting a new motorcycle:

Jason: You don't want a crotch rocket?

Arob: Does that help or hinder your ballsack? I don't know how thick your ballsack is, but mine's only about a quarter of an inch.

April 17, 2022

Arob: Fucking dipshits don't even know that our fucking metal bullets won't work in space.

A short while later:

Arob: Aliens are going to have laser beams. We know this from Star Wars.

April 17, 2022

Arob: I can't wait to have my banana done like that.

April 16, 2022

Arob: Fuck SOHCAHTOA. I'll suck on your toe-ah! That's why the guy made that acronym - he was a foot fetisher.

April 10, 2022

Arob: I want to learn how to regrow a limb!

April 9, 2022

Arob: Do cats have feelings?

March 17, 2022

Talking about taking a train from Seattle to Portland:

Arob: Is there a sleeper car? Do I get a hot dog?

A few moments later:

Arob: I just want one! I don't want all the dogs!

March 12, 2022

Staub: Someone took a shit in your lava lamp.

Arob: Yeah, it's gonna float. It's a floater.

March 12, 2022

Reading How to Live with a Huge Penis:

Arob: Holy shit, did you guys know you can paint with your penis?

A short while later:

Markoff: You were talking about painting with your penis earlier.

Arob: Well you can paint with it, it's just hard to clean.

March 12, 2022

Arob: I'm not good at psychological warfare, but I keep having dreams about killing Putin.

March 8, 2022

Arob: Maybe my purpose in life is to kill Vladimir Putin.

Staub: I feel like I should maybe add a disclaimer to the Putin one, just in case.

Arob: Disclaimer: Putin is an evil dictator murderer deserving to be removed from this earth, thus this statement is cleared.

March 8, 2022

Talking about this website:

Suni: I feel like all of these would go viral.

Arob: But it's not an NFT!

March 8, 2022

Talking about Abraham Lincoln:

Arob: I''ll bet he had a big dick. That hat must have been hiding something!

February 6, 2022

Arob: *Gets McDonald's for lunch*

A short while later, talking about losing weight

I'm down 17 pounds! Plus 2 for McDonald's.

January 8, 2022

Seth: I cleaned out my keyboard yesterday.

Arob: How many pubes?

January 8, 2022

After watching the Moonfall trailer: 

Arob: She was upset that they removed the scene of her fucking the moon.

December 11, 2021

Arob: What's a footjob?

Staub: It's when someone puts their foot in your ass.

Arob: I don't want five toenails in my butt!

December 4, 2021

Arob: What about Pepé Le Pew?

Staub: He was a cartoon.

Arob: A cartoon? I'd call him more of a mentor.

Staub: A mentor?

Arob: I didn't have a lot of role models growing up.

October 31, 2021

Talking about trick-or-treaters:

Arob: My perimeter is going to be breached tonight.

October 30, 2021

Seth: *mentions the Harold & Kumar "married to weed" scene*:

Arob: Marrying weed?! Is that even legal?!

October 29, 2021

"I can't believe he asked if alligators were going to be a concern at Bonaroo."

Arob: It's a valid question!

October 29, 2021

A few hours before dinner (lamb was on the menu):

Arob: Are you read to get all up in this lamb? I'm about to get ALL up in this lamb. Death to the children lamb!

A few moments later:

Arob: Dude, Jewish people have been killing lamb for thousands of years!

October 29, 2021

Upon seeing Jason's suite at the hotel:

Arob: Do they still have a TV in the living room? That's literally the best room to have a TV in.

A while later, after using the bathroom:

Arob: Dude, you have a phone right next to your toilet! You can order room service while taking a shit!

October 29, 2021

After the wind blew food onto his shirt:

Arob: I literally got fucked by the wind.

October 29, 2021

Arob: I take a rip before bed, it's like getting knocked out by Rocky Balboa.

October 28, 2021

Arob: I don't mind if I get messy.

October 23, 2021

Looking at some plants:

Arob: Are these gonna bite me?

September 26, 2021

After sitting on a wet spot on the couch:

Arob: My butt is a little wet - it's the right cheek.

September 26, 2021

Allison:Why did Paul Bunyan cut down all those trees?

Arob: As a favor to the president.

September 18, 2021

Arob: When is April again? What month is that?

Everyone else: April is after March and before May.

Arob: I'm wearing shorts, I'm so confused.

September 4, 2021

Watching Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives:

Arob: I'd eat that... unfortunately.

August 22, 2021

Arob: I've never caught an ice cream truck before. Well in my dreams, I have.

August 15, 2021

After sleeping in the same bed for three nights:

Arob: Wait, there's a sheet on this bed?!

August 14, 2021

Arob: Do you know how many dicks I've seen? I went to a boys' camp!

August 13, 2021

Arob: I just poured a little beer on my foot and it stopped hurting!

August 13, 2021

Arob: If you keep rolling that, I'm going to smack it.

August 12, 2021

Arob: I'm PC, but it's okay though - we're in Texas.

August 12, 2021

Arob: Wait, are there bugs in Texas?

August 7, 2021

Arob: I don't want a round-two banana party!

August 7, 2021

After seeing this site:

Arob: Now I'll never become president!

May 31, 2021

Arob: What is that, a mushroom cock?

May 22, 2021

Arob: You've got your dick and your balls - there's a lot going on down there.

December 27, 2020

Arob: I have an MBA now, so I need to be more strategic.

October 25, 2020

Referring to his leaf blower:

Arob: It has 650 horsepower.

August 9, 2020

Arob: Santa Claus hates Jews. I've never received any presents.

August 1, 2020

Arob: There were three vibrations in my pants... Oh, one of them is just from Joe Biden.

July 29, 2020

Arob: You may have to eat an orange; I had a banana.

July 6, 2020

Arob: The food was dark black and hardened like Zeus's cock.

March 26, 2020

Markoff: How do you know  you're not a lizard person?
Arob: Because I have asthma.

December 19, 2022

Seth: *Holding a trash bag*
Aaron, get in!

Arob: But I didn't wear my swimsuit.