All Aaronisms

Messing with Discord sounboard:

Arob: Why is my fart not as wet?

Arob: Moskobot keeps bullying me!

Staub: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Arob: Yeah, if you're a gopher.

Arob: I'm so excited, I get Columbus Day off. I actually get all of the Canadian holidays off.

Walking out of a restaurant:

Arob: I don’t use wet wipes anymore.

Arob: I finally did it! I now know how a bidet works. That strong warm jet stream up my ass hole was epic in the first moment. My eyes widened and I understood this is the way to lessen wipes in the Potomac.

At 9:11 PM:

Arob: Oh shit, I forgot to tell Andy his zipper was down when we left at noon!

Arob: They're charging $4.50

Staub: It's $4.65

Arob: PM?!

Arob: It's not my fault I was born.

Arob: In Asia, when I was learning how to poop...

Arob: I don't even think semen would attach to broccolini.

Arob: I don't like blood; I can't kill anybody.

Arob: Because Egyptians have sand, they don't have football.

Arob: (To Coxy) Are the billionaires drinking children's' blood?

Everyone else: What?

Arob: He's in the Army, they know shit.

Arob: Necrophilia is sex with dead bodies, right? Black and blue, I'm not Egyptian.

KFed: Joy is an act of resistance.

Arob: Zelbo's wife?

During the Fantasy Football draft:

Arob: Who is Joe Burrow? Oh wait, he is a good quarterback.

Arob: *Arrives at the pool with a dish towel*

This can at least cover my private parts which is all you need.

Arob: She played a cello. You know, the wind instrument.

Arob: You need more time to cream it up.

Staub: I feel like if you play hopscotch when you have to poop, then you're just asking for it.

Arob: Yeah, because of gravity.

Arob: How many abs did she have?

Diane: I don't know, I didn't count.

Arob: How did you not count?!

Arob: I would have gotten a perfect score on the SAT if I hadn't changed my answers, I'm telling you guys.

Soccer player A. Robinson makes a pass during a World Cup game

Arob: Wait, I'm black now?

Arob: I have the nips to be a lesbian.

Arob: God has eluded me my entire life.

Suni: I had a TMJ attack last time I smoked that.

Arob: Tom and Jerry?

[Gets handed six slices of cheese]

Arob: *Pouts*

Can I have an omelette?

Arob: This car is too sharp, holy shit!

Staub: Aaron, I want live with your brain for like 8 hours.

Arob: 8 hours? That's enough to kill anyone!

Suni: Did you know that your nipples grow...

Arob: Yeah I know that.

Suni: ...during pregnancy?

Arob: Oh wait I don't know that.

Arob: What is milk even for?

Arob: I'm not racist; I like Indian food.

Arob: Sydney Sweeney is... doing it for me. If I could just get her to say hi to me, I would happily end my life. Just look at her eyes... they're evil.

Arob: Netflix can't ignore me! I fill out every single survey; paragraphs. I even give them feedback on why their surveys are bad.

Arob: Yeah my tongue was out a lot last night and I'm not sure why.

Arob: If there is a pool, I'm cannonballing in. Unless that's not allowed, then I'm just dipping my toe in... And only the first toe, but half a nail.

Arob: I feel like a bubble pancake priming to rise.

Arob: It's a horizontal scale, just like the earth.

Arob: Forget like 9/11 didn't happen, just like Iran wants us to.

Arob: We’re centralizing our Morphers to stun by combining the Z zord to fight Frieza.

Arob: Your farts come out at 2500 rpm.

Staub: What?

Arob: Hey Siri, how fast does a fart come out of my ass?

Arob: Cockroaches come up the toilet, but everything goes down the toilet.

Arob: At NASA there aren't any emotions, just science. Except if someone dies, then there are emotions.

Arob: Guys, I think I learned about eggs wrong. I thought they would eventually just hatch in the fridge.

Arob: I need to brush up on [the] origins of this god forsaken existence

[ Press WASD to move the camera ]

Arob: Whazduh?

Arob: If I can't pretend to be Harry Potter then why even live?

Arob: I had two slices of pizza today and I'm pretty sure my poop turned orange.

Arob: I'm locked out of my computer. I've tried all of my passwords and it won't take any of them.

Staub: Do you have caps lock on?

Arob: Fuck...

Arob: Do you see the hamburger triangle?

Arob: What's that Molotov cocktail thing where you throw it and there's fire?

Seth, Markoff, and Staub (in unison): A Molotov cocktail...

Arob: I'm not racist, I'm just high.

Arob: I should know about second degree burns; I have had one on my dick.

Arob: Look at those Homer Simpson squirrel mother fuckers! They ain't no otters!

Arob: Yeah, mochi! You gotta pound that shit hard!

Jason: You keep using the word "fascism" and I don't think it means what you think it means.

Arob: Yeah, Italians.

Arob: Once you have glass anal beads, you can't go back.

Fleishman: I feel like you say whatever comes to your mind.

Arob: Absolutely. Freedom of speech, bitch!

Arob: Hey, if someone threw a $20 at me for showing my nipple, I'd do it.

Arob: Gooch? I thought that was a female thing!

Arob: I'm a botanist.

Fleishman: You're a gardener, not a botanist. I don't think you know what that word means.

Arob: Botanist - it's when you have more than 5 plants.

Arob: I like the leaves here, they have more veins.

Arob: (Deadly serious) Did you guys MapQuest this?

Arob: I gave Robertson his first blowjob.

Arob: I didn't know there were fish in the Great Lakes.

Arob: I need to avoid up-the-ass jokes.

Arob: Did you know Halloween is on Friday the 13th this year?

Arob: At least it was circumcised. I appreciated that.

Arob: Flaccid to cum in 7 seconds flat. There was a dick Olympics and I won gold. That's why there's a stopwatch with 7 seconds on it.

Arob: Wait, you guys don't shave your dick hole?

Arob: Fuck him with a spoon in the ass

Arob: Well, you know what they say: It's a small group of idiots leading the blind.

Arob: 7 = 10 in universe seven.

Arob: You just breathe them in and then you go boom boom boom.

Arob: Again, I am not P. Diddy. I'll say it to a judge.

Arob: Ball care is self care.

Arob: Why, because there was sexual assault against an onion? Come on!

Arob: I finger banged the shit out of that.

Arob: I am in a galactic odyssey right now. These shrooms are strong... I'm trying tho.

Arob: I swear, if they're out of Fleshlights, I'm gonna be really pissed.

Talking about Dune 2:

Arob: It has Spiderman's girlfriend in it. And the curly-haired guy... Mr. Champagne.

Arob: Usually I'm wrong by default. That's what happened with the SATs.

Arob: Well you know what they say about Maine. There's oxygen everywhere .

Arob: We got them sideways trees. We got Big Yellow in the sky... No caribou fucking up to the car. We're not in Pennsylvania anymore, Dorothy!

Arob: Those pictures of the field were beautiful. I'm glad I pissed on that graffiti rock.

Arob: I have Japan on my ass!

Arob: You know what they say. You can't start the day until you get your semen out.

Arob: It's not microcasming.

Markoff: That's not a word.

Arob: It is in another country.

Arob: *Takes a sip of espresso*

Had I known the shot would be like God's diarrhea...

Arob: Hey at least we all took shits. So we're all ready to go.

Arob: What if I have to wipe and I'm part of a difficult conversation?

Completely randomly:

Arob: Does your nipple ever bleed?

Arob: Guys... We should be doing ball keggles [sic] to make sure our balls don't sag

Yeah we're supposed to pull the balls down and hold our pee. Three sets of ten

Staub: Have you seen Frasier?

Arob: Oh yeah, Frasier! That's about a gay guy in New York.

Arob: I can listen while I'm blind. I'm like Hellen Keller's brother.

Arob: That's Carmen Sandiego. By the way, I never found that bitch.

Arob: I was in the b hole huh? Kinda like a k-hole

Arob: Save toilet paper at least but need new pants and underwear 😂😂

Arob: *Reads this TIFU post*

The brother probably was on his way to see Korn at bonaroo 2023 😂😂😂

Arob: *Orders a cheese plate from a restaurant*

I got fromage, whatever that is.

Diane: You can remain anonymous while selling nudes. A lot of people do that.

Arob: I don't have the feet for that.

Arob: Jimmy Fallon doesn't have nipples like mine... I'm going to go on Jimmy Fallon and have a nipple measuring contest.

Seth: *Wearing an inflatable crown*

Arob: Seth, you are the burger king.

Arob: Mars is a lie. Do you want to lose your eyes?

Arob: *Taking a picture of Seth*

Wait, do that tongue thing again.

Arob: I'm left-handed in real life.

Arob: Howdy doo!

Staub: Howdy doo?

Arob: What? It's a classic American greeting!

Arob: Cleveland Steamer? My family is from Cleveland and they don't have seafood.

Arob: I'm their [Seth's & Staub's] boyfriends too. But I'm not on the bottom.

Arob: Are babies born with nipples?

Arob: Yo, can we get a double chocolate fudge cloudy bag?

"What does it mean to be deaf?

Arob: Well, it depends on how you spell it.

Arob: Why do the jerseys look orangeish?

"Is it the sunglasses?"

Arob: Oh yeah! Don't worry guys, my eyes are healthy!

Arob: *Tries on Markoff's glasses*

Markoff, is this what your eyeballs work like?

Arob: Where's the section for jacking off?

Watching Jurassic World:

Arob: What the hell is this Free Willy with dinosaurs shit? Oh there's Star Lord!

...

Good job sweating, Chris Pratt.

...

Is this a dinosaur petting zoo? That can't be a good idea. That dinosaur looks so angry... I hope they have good health insurance coverage for these employees.

Arob: I like brick buildings man, we learned a lot from the three little pigs. You don't want a straw house...

Watching Family Feud:

Arob: Yay! Jumping, clapping!

Watching America Says: "A good burglar always wears gloves"

Arob: A good burglar would have burned his fingertips off first.

Seth: *Holding a trash bag*

Aaron, get in!

Arob: But I didn't wear my swimsuit.

Arob: What's the Gluck Gluck 9000?

Talking about the banana story:

Arob: Guys... fruitporn.com

[Billie Eilish song playing]

Arob: Is this Bailey Eilish?

Suni: Arob is on a whole other level.

Arob: Level who?

Talking about the "sponge years" Aaronism (October 22, 2022)

Arob: Sponge years run on a completely different math.

Talking about his dinner at Seth and Diane's wedding:

Arob: It came with this sweet mashed stuff.

Seth: You mean mashed sweet potatoes?

Giving Cory a piggyback ride:

Arob: Your ass is not in the same place it used to be.

Arob: What the fuck, SpongeBob is 50?! Oh never mind, that's in sponge years.

Arob: It's not my fault there's all this mahogany here!

Arob: Dude you are fucking hit it.

Staub: Do it, you won't. No balls.

Arob: I've got them right here. They've dropped, it's fine.

Talking about previous relationships:

Arob: I had a 5-footer before.

[Ambulance drives by]

Arob: Somebody had heartburn and is in that ambulance.

Talking about his date being the same height as him and not having to bend down to hug her:

Arob: I could smell her hair, it was weird.

Talking about a friend going to Napa, California:

Arob: Yep, they're going to cabbage.

Seth: The strippers are on their way.

Arob: I hope they don't come because I'll be farting the whole time.

Arob: Who hasn't jerked off in a bottle?

Jason: *farts*

Arob: God damn, that ass.

Arob: I can't do that, I have a jaw problem from the last time. The banana was too ripe last time.

Completely out of the blue, no context:

Arob: Yeah, I should have fucked that girl on prom night.

Arob: They would break me like a grilled cheese.

Recommending hiccup remedies:

Arob: I was always told to hold my breath until I pass out.

Arob: Alexa, what's my THC level?

Asking about mushroom chocolates:

Arob: Will I instantaneously start shitting myself?

Arob: That burger from Dick's had too much dick in it.

Arob: *Shows his nipple in a restaurant*

Shit, now I've broken the law!

Jason: A stripper is going to put a banana inside your b-hole.

Arob: It's too tight for that!

Arob: Yeah yeah, just the tip. That's what they all want - just the tip.

Arob: Yeah yeah, just the tip. That's what they all want - just the tip.

Arob: It's a miracle my dick works anymore.

Arob: I shared the Aaronisms site with my cousins, and again, the lesbians were not happy.

Arob: I got creamed and the lesbians ripped me to shreds.

Talking about space travel:

Arob: There's enough space for each human to be a millionaire and be happy and safe in space.

Markoff: All we need is to break the laws of physics and develop FTL travel.

Arob: No need to break them, just add new ones.

Talking about his hotel in Denver:

Arob: I swear I was ten thousand square feet up in the air!

Jason: Seth, found your new project (for 3D printing).

Arob: No teeth on those dickosaurus rexes.

Seth: Pop tarts are really scrimping on the frosting...

Arob: That is bullshit. Basically a pink cum stain on that.

Talking about getting a new motorcycle:

Jason: You don't want a crotch rocket?

Arob: Does that help or hinder your ballsack? I don't know how thick your ballsack is, but mine's only about a quarter of an inch.

Arob: Fucking dipshits don't even know that our fucking metal bullets won't work in space.

A short while later:

Arob: Aliens are going to have laser beams. We know this from Star Wars.

Arob: I can't wait to have my banana done like that.

Arob: Fuck SOHCAHTOA. I'll suck on your toe-ah! That's why the guy made that acronym - he was a foot fetisher.

Arob: I want to learn how to regrow a limb!

Arob: Do cats have feelings?

Talking about taking a train from Seattle to Portland:

Arob: Is there a sleeper car? Do I get a hot dog?

A few moments later:

Arob: I just want one! I don't want all the dogs!

Staub: Someone took a shit in your lava lamp.

Arob: Yeah, it's gonna float. It's a floater.

Reading How to Live with a Huge Penis:

Arob: Holy shit, did you guys know you can paint with your penis?

A short while later:

Markoff: You were talking about painting with your penis earlier.

Arob: Well you can paint with it, it's just hard to clean.

Arob: I'm not good at psychological warfare, but I keep having dreams about killing Putin.

Arob: Maybe my purpose in life is to kill Vladimir Putin.

Staub: I feel like I should maybe add a disclaimer to the Putin one, just in case.

Arob: Disclaimer: Putin is an evil dictator murderer deserving to be removed from this earth, thus this statement is cleared.

Talking about this website:

Suni: I feel like all of these would go viral.

Arob: But it's not an NFT!

Talking about Abraham Lincoln:

Arob: I''ll bet he had a big dick. That hat must have been hiding something!

Arob: *Gets McDonald's for lunch*

A short while later, talking about losing weight:

I'm down 17 pounds! Plus 2 for McDonald's.

Seth: I cleaned out my keyboard yesterday.

Arob: How many pubes?

After watching the Moonfall trailer:

Arob: She was upset that they removed the scene of her fucking the moon.

Arob: What's a footjob?

Staub: It's when someone puts their foot in your ass.

Arob: I don't want five toenails in my butt!

Looking at the Church's Chicken logo:

Arob: Did you know that chicken we ate is from 1952?

Watching Star Wars Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back:

Arob: Did you know that thing is called a wampa? Any relation to Oompa Loompas?

Arob: What about Pepé Le Pew?

Staub: He was a cartoon.

Arob: A cartoon? I'd call him more of a mentor.

Staub: A mentor?

Arob: I didn't have a lot of role models growing up.

Talking about trick-or-treaters:

Arob: My perimeter is going to be breached tonight.

Seth: *Mentions the Harold & Kumar "married to weed" scene*:

Arob: Marrying weed?! Is that even legal?!

"I can't believe he asked if alligators were going to be a concern at Bonaroo."

Arob: It's a valid question!

A few hours before dinner (lamb was on the menu):

Arob: Are you read to get all up in this lamb? I'm about to get ALL up in this lamb. Death to the children lamb!

A few moments later:

Arob: Dude, Jewish people have been killing lamb for thousands of years!

Upon seeing Jason's suite at the hotel:

Arob: Do they still have a TV in the living room? That's literally the best room to have a TV in.

A while later, after using the bathroom:

Arob: Dude, you have a phone right next to your toilet! You can order room service while taking a shit!

After the wind blew food onto his shirt:

Arob: I literally got fucked by the wind.

Arob: I take a rip before bed, it's like getting knocked out by Rocky Balboa.

Arob: I don't mind if I get messy.

Looking at some plants:

Arob: Are these gonna bite me?

After sitting on a wet spot on the couch:

Arob: My butt is a little wet - it's the right cheek.

Allison: Why did Paul Bunyan cut down all those trees?

Arob: As a favor to the president.

Arob: Oh God, it's so big! Why?! It looks like a big tree out west!

Arob: When is April again? What month is that?

Everyone else: April is after March and before May.

Arob: I'm wearing shorts, I'm so confused.

Watching Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives:

Arob: I'd eat that... unfortunately.

Arob: I've never caught an ice cream truck before. Well in my dreams, I have.

After sleeping in the same bed for three nights:

Arob: Wait, there's a sheet on this bed?!

Arob: Do you know how many dicks I've seen? I went to a boys' camp!

Arob: I just poured a little beer on my foot and it stopped hurting!

Arob: If you keep rolling that, I'm going to smack it.

Arob: I'm PC, but it's okay though - we're in Texas.

Arob: Wait, are there bugs in Texas?

Arob: I don't want a round-two banana party!

After seeing this site:

Arob: Now I'll never become president!

Arob: What is that, a mushroom cock?

Arob: You've got your dick and your balls - there's a lot going on down there.

Arob: I have an MBA now, so I need to be more strategic.

Referring to his leaf blower:

Arob: It has 650 horsepower.

Arob: Santa Claus hates Jews. I've never received any presents.

Arob: There were three vibrations in my pants... Oh, one of them is just from Joe Biden.

Arob: You may have to eat an orange; I had a banana.

Arob: The food was dark black and hardened like Zeus's cock.

Markoff: How do you know you're not a lizard person?

Arob: Because I have asthma.